The task of helping to build or preserve self-esteem in any child can be difficult in today’s world.
For children who have special needs, such as those who have autism, it can be an even more daunting task. Many parents question their own worth as a parent, and constantly wonder if they are doing enough to help their little one.
As a parent of a child with autism, you may well be one of the few people who can actually connect with this special little person. Your love and acceptance of this child now, exactly as he is, may be one of the biggest building blocks to helping your child gain the confidence he needs to make those important strides in learning. Without accepting and loving him exactly as he is right now (stimmies and all), without apologies to anyone, you may never gain his trust enough to help him build the confidence he needs to manage his sensitivities and learning challenges.
Not long ago, my own mother gave me the You Can Heal Your Life Affirmation Kit by Louise Hay, of Hay House Publications (www.louisehay.com). This kit included a CD with a study course on positive affirmations. I thought to myself: “how can making silly statements possibly change my reality?” Reluctantly, I began to repeat some of the affirmations, secretly hoping that I would begin to feel more confidence in my own parenting abilities. After all, what did I have to lose?
I started with the affirmations provided on the CD, and then I made up several other statements, including: “I am an excellent mother. Each day I find new, creative ways to help stimulate my son’s learning and help him to build confidence. I love and accept my son exactly as he is right now, and he loves and trusts me.”
It took several days, but I slowly began to notice that the way I responded to my son’s “misbehaviors” had changed, which resulted in a change in his behavior. I seemed to have more patience and more creative ideas for helping him to navigate each day. I began to feel more confident as a mother.
It is my opinion that building self-confidence in your child comes from a place very deep within your own heart. It is not something to be overanalyzed. Sometimes the constant bombardment of information about autism in the news and from well-meaning friends and other parents can leave you feeling a bit conflicted, shaken, leading you to question your own instincts as a parent. Positive affirmations can help you quiet that din. It is because of their simplicity, not in spite of them, that they seem to work.
In the past, my son’s boiling point was very, very low. For example, not only did he not like typical play, but he became very physically combative if approached to play, read, sing… most any pleasant activity that children usually love. He frequently melted down in public and screamed if anyone strange approached him. We rarely ventured outside the house.
He was already having speech therapy, behavioral therapy and occupational therapy during and after school. I began to realize that my own constant efforts to “help” him sometimes got in the way of what he so desperately needed: unconditional love. Sometimes that meant just being together. Sometimes it meant participating in activities he enjoyed, such as jumping up and down and squealing in delight. I would know if I was successful, because a light in his eyes would shine that I had not seen before. Participating in his world and acknowledging all successes, big and small, was gradually building his confidence. Soon, the light in his eyes began to grow and become more frequent, and before too long, he began to want to try to connect with me in my world – not just in his.
I once read a blog posted by a parent who proclaimed that “all of (her) son’s autistic traits had been erased and that he was totally indistinguishable from other children on the playground.” Somehow, reading that statement made my stomach churn. I wondered why I felt so strongly about this statement, which was surely not meant to cause this kind of reaction. With my motherly instinct keenly in tune, I began to seek out articles and books written by adults with autism, to find out how they felt about being made to conform to society’s standard of “normal.”
I read one book in particular called Through the Eyes of Aliens written by Jasmine Lee O’Neill, a non-verbal adult with autism. It was interesting for me to learn that the most painful events for Ms. O’Neill and others with autism were not caused by the challenges of autism itself, but by insensitivity of those who could not accept their unique differences. Ms. O'Neil writes:
“It’s unfair to expect somebody to spend a lifetime in training to be someone else…the parent should be teaching the child more about his condition and explaining that it is not a prison, but is rather a special brain type which results in creating a very fascinating personality. The parent must prevent the child from losing faith in herself.”
This is not to say that we should not treat autism by providing needed therapies, but that we need to be respectful of the unique traits that many people with autism possess and take great care to preserve and build their own sense of self-worth and confidence.
Getting into my son’s own colorful and unique world has indeed changed my life. Recently he participated in the Special Olympics and, at the age of five, was one of the youngest people there. The look in his eyes and the exuberance on his face as he crossed the finish line of the 100 meter dash was worth a thousand words. You could see the pride and confidence on his face!
Loving and accepting your child exactly as he is today can help to build a solid foundation of self confidence that can last a lifetime.
