Do you feel like you are sometimes talking to a wall? Do you find yourself repeating yourself over and over and not really getting the response you want or any response at all? Maybe you get a distracted, "yeah, uh huh" or maybe even hostility in return. Read on and discover 6 tips for talking to your partner or spouse about difficult issues.
Mistake #1 -- Bringing up an important or potentially conflictual issue up out of the blue.
A potentially difficult or important conversation is not likely to go well if your partner feels blind-sided with "I am really angry about...." If they are like most people they are going to get defensive right away and either respond with anger or shut down. no one likes an ambush. Increase your chances of being heard and getting your point across by setting a thoughtful tone.
Tip #1 -- Make an appointment. Let your partner know you have something you want to discuss and ask if now is a good time. If he/she responds with a no, then ask when would be a good time. Get a specific time frame.
Mistake #2 -- Bringing up an important issue at a bad time. Asking for an appointment to discuss something serious as soon as your spouse comes in the door after a busy and stressful day at work is going to stand in the way of your gaining the cooperation and response you would like.
Tip #2 -- When making an appointment make sure you avoid times when your partner is in the middle of an important task, is distracted or preoccupied with some concern or in a bad mood. You want to stack the cards in your favor not against you from the outset.
Mistake #3 -- Starting with a harsh or angry tone. This is certain to get your partner’s back up before you finish your first sentence.
Tip #3 -- If you are talking about something that has upset you, calm yourself down before you actually start talking about it. Go someplace quiet and take a few deep breaths, talk yourself down or into an open and collaborative frame of mind. You will get much further this way.
Mistake #4 -- Blaming your partner. Starting off blaming your partner will only raise his/her defensiveness. He/she will be less likely to listen to you and will probably either shut down and you'll feel like you are talking to a wall or will retaliate in kind, making things worse.
Tip #4 -- If there is any part of the situation you can own or take responsibility for then do it. Start off with that. It will let your partner know from the get go that you are not interested in "winning" by "destroying" him or her but that you are interested in moving forward.
Mistake #5 -- Assuming your partner’s motivations. Often we think to ourselves, "he or she did this because he is mad at me about the other week" or, "he did this because he just doesn’t care about my feelings at all" or "she is just trying to make me feel guilty so I’ll to x, y, or z. " We are often wrong when they try to ascribe motivations and agendas to our partners.
Tip #5 -- Approach your partner with an attitude of open curiosity. If they have done something to upset you try to get them to talk about what was going on for them. They probably were not trying to hurt you on purpose. An assumption of good will goes a long way to helping your partner be able to listen to you.
Mistake #6 -- Talking too long. People can only stay attentive for so long -- especially if it is an emotionally charged conversation. Expecting your partner to have a very long conversation -- especially if its about something they’d rather not talk about -- is unrealistic.
Tip #6 -- Limit the discussion to 20 minutes. If at the end of 20 minutes one or both of you don’t feel finished then set up a time to talk again. If you are both eager and willing to continue then go ahead but FIRST set another time limit and then when the time is up check back in with each other about continuing or stopping. If your partner is ready to end after 20 minutes then make another appointment to continue when he or she has had time to process and have some space. It is useless to try to continue a conversation when someone is tuning out.
I invite you to put these tips into practice and improve your communication with your partner. You may just find yourself getting more of your relationship needs and wants met.
There are a number of excellent resources available, including my own newsletter and reports, notably one titled "21 Ways to Renew Love, Passion and Fun." Here you can find tips, advice and insights on creating stronger, healthier, and more passionate marriages.
Barbara Calvi, M.S., L.M.F.T. is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Calabasas, California with 13 years experience in private practice. She specializes in helping couples to create stronger, happier, more loving and more passionate relationships.
